50 Shades of Guilt

It's just after lunchtime. Today is a Snow Day, so the kids are home from school.  To complicate matters further, we're just coming out of a three-week-long stretch of sickness, and I missed going in to work both Monday and Tuesday, so I'm attempting to work from home.  The kids want to enjoy the day outside, and since Grandma and Papa who live just around the corner also happen to be retired, they are outside playing with the kids.  My father-in-law then lovingly offers to plow the driveway since Jake is working late for the foreseeable future.

A few minutes later I get a call from said FIL asking to have my MIL and the children come meet him in the path between our house and theirs as he has gotten the snow plow stuck on his way over.  He can use "as much help as he can get."  I holler out the door explaining the situation to Grandma, and before I can blink she has herded the kids towards the woods to rescue Papa.

With a sigh, and a side of guilt at not being able to help, I turn back into the house and begin to look around.  There is so much housework to be done I don't even feel like the smallest task will make a dent.  On the other hand, I still have emails to send, texts to write, and calls to make for work.  I need a Coke.  Okay, so this last bout of sickness has caused me to reexamine my health choices, and I know Coke is on the "bad" list, but in this moment, I just want a tiny bit of comfort from my fizzy, sugary friend.

That's when it hits me: I have no idea just how many of my thoughts have been wrapped in guilt so far today.  I feel guilty making the dog wait a few extra minutes to go out so I can wake up a bit before bundling up for the blistering cold.  I feel guilty for not being ahead of the kids with breakfast ready when they come downstairs, excited about their Snow Day.  I feel guilty for being the only team member out of the office today because of my kids.  I feel guilty for the technical phone problems we have causing a delay so I can be part of our important meeting.  I feel guilty letting the kids play Minecraft while I'm on the phone with coworkers for the important meeting.  I feel guilty not going out with the kids to play in the snow.  I feel guilty not focusing as much on work as I should.  I feel guilty being home and not cleaning the house.  I feel guilty for grabbing a Coke out of the refrigerator instead of water.  I could go on.  All of that and it's only the first half of the day.

I have a feeling that if Jesus were to stop at my house today, in the flesh, He wouldn't look around in disgust at the messes.  He wouldn't ask for a rundown of what I've accomplished for my job today.  He wouldn't ask how many hours or minutes of quality time I spent with my children.  He would probably open the fridge (because that's the kind of friend Jesus is: a "fridge rights" friend) grab a Coke for me, and one for himself, and plop down next to me on the couch.  We'd sit cross-legged and face to face drinking our Cokes and just being together.  I think He would dodge all that stupid small talk that I have come to despise, look deep into my eyes, and ask, "So how are you doing today? Like, really?"  Then He would hold me close and let me blubber into His shirt because I know that He knows EXACTLY how I'm really doing today. When I finally get all the tears out, He would find the box of tissues amidst the piles of laundry and hand me one, strategically letting his hand linger long enough for me to see the scars in His palm.

"Remember this?" I think He would say as we looked together at his hands.  I would nod and blow my nose loudly.  "All of your guilt hung on the cross with Me that day.  It's finished. You don't have to keep trying to take it back."  I would nod, and dab my eyes with a new tissue.

"I keep forgetting," I would say, looking down.  Then He would lift my chin until our eyes met again.

"I know," He'd say, "it's okay. I'm here to help. I'm not going anywhere."

Then I'd hold onto Him and cry again because that's just exactly what I needed to hear.  I'd blow my nose again and laugh nervously while I joke about looking like a wreck.  And Jesus would make that face your friend makes when they know you're being crazy, and He'd say, "You look exactly the way you are supposed to look."

He'd hand me my Coke, and I'd sip it gladly.  After all, it's a gift from God, so by definition it is good.   Then we'd share a blanket because blankets make me feel all cozy, and we'd just talk about stuff.  I'd tell Him more about what I was worried about, and He'd assure me He was already working on it.  I'd ask Him what I should do about certain problems, and He'd come up with these amazing solutions I could have never dreamed up in a million years.

Finally, as the day wound down, I would start to yawn, but try to stay awake just to be with Him a bit longer.  He would tell me it's time to rest, and tuck the cozy blanket around me as I laid my head on a pillow.  I would start to drift off almost immediately in the peace and calm of His presence.  But before I drifted off completely, I would hear Him whisper, "Remember, none of that guilt came from me, anyway. I love you. Sleep tight."

What Has God Placed on YOUR To-Do List?

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

-John 15:1-8

What is on your to-do list today? Go ahead, write it out. If you're like me, you already have one written, so go get it and observe what you see.  Sometimes placing all that you intend to do throughout a day on a list can be overwhelming.  Each item adds a bit more weight to the burden we carry around.  Each line on our list is representative of a chunk of time that will be required to accomplish it.  After all, we only have 24 hours in the day, and in between all the tasks, we still have to make room for eating, sleeping, and relationships, not to mention fulfilling our "duty" as a Christian lady by carving out some quiet time with God.  So how do we accomplish all there is to do?

Let me begin by asking you a question: Which of those items did God ask you to do?  I mean this in a very literal way.  Which items did you specifically hear the voice of God, through either scripture or other divine revelation, did He ask you to write down on that list?  

The first time I considered this, it certainly caused me to pause.  Here is what I found. 1. God asked me to love Him.  2. He asked me to love the other people he placed in my path.  (Luke 10:27) That is pretty much it.  Oh, and I need to add one more item: 3. He asked me to rest. (Exodus 23:12)

"Rest? Seriously, God?  Have you seen all of the stuff I need to do?  I'm not even sure I can fit in a healthy lunch today, let alone time for rest!"

...And yet rest is so important to God that He actually made it one of the 10 Commandments.  We are to take a Sabbath and keep it holy. (Exodus 20:8)  This causes a problem for most people in our culture.  We fill our schedules with so many "good" things that we couldn't possibly carve out time for a day off.  Could it be that a large portion of the tasks on our To-Do lists are items that God never meant to be there at all?

Perhaps we need to take a closer, deeper look at the items on our lists.  How do they line up with the 3 things God asks us to do?  

God asks us to love Him first, but did He ask us to be at the church building every time the doors are open?  

He asks us to love our family, but does that mean keeping an immaculately clean house perfectly decorated at all times in case the odd visitor would stop by? (And when was the last time that actually happened, by the way?)  

He asks us to love our husbands, but does that mean signing him up for every marriage study or family event regardless of his workload or your family circumstances?  

God asks us to love our children, but does that mean running them endlessly to every different sport, club, and program available to them?  

God asks us to love our friends, but has He asked us to make Pinterest-worthy homemade gifts for every special occasion imaginable when we're not even sure what we're making for dinner tonight?

Seriously, I am tired just thinking about that list.  It looks an awful lot like mine, by the way.

Praise God that He has given us a better way.  Jesus tells us in Matthew 11:28 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  

Jesus knows exactly what the burden feels like, and He has no desire for us to keep carrying it.  There is no amount of work we can do that will make Him love us more.  He already loves us as much as He ever will.  That's the thing about Jesus... He loves us perfectly and unconditionally.  He always has and He always will.  So what are we working so hard for?  Is it for his acceptance?  We already have it.

You may say, "I love Jesus so much I just want to serve Him with my life and give my gifts to furthering His kingdom on earth every way I can."  Sister, I love your heart.  Let me gently tell you that you may have it wrong.  Just because you see a need doesn't mean you are the one to fill it.  Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.  Just because it is an important ministry doesn't mean you have to be involved.  God has given each of us a specific set of skills to do a task He has set out for us.  It is not for us to go looking for it.  We just need to be still and ask Him what it is He wants us to do.

Taking it even a step further, when we attempt to accomplish Kingdom work outside of a commission from God to do so, it is meaningless.  *Gasp!*  That realization was a punch in the gut to me, too.  Scripture tells us, however, that God prunes the unnecessary work from us (fruitless branches) to be tossed into the fire.  1 Corinthians 13 paints a great picture of this:  "If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing."  Unless we are doing the work God has ordained for us to do, it is absolutely useless for the Kingdom of God. 

Living in the world is not easy.  (Understatement of the year, right there.)  As my pastor says, our culture wears busyness like a badge of honor.  We feel that there is something redeeming about staying busy.  As if by working hard enough  we can earn self-worth.  Ladies, we have it backwards!  It is only by resting in Jesus that we will ever feel self-worth.  We are worthy because Jesus says we are.  Period.  He felt we were so worthy, in fact, that he literally died for us so that he can live with us forever.  This is true for every single person who ever lived.  Nothing you have ever said or done has deemed you unworthy in the sight of God.  

Here is the kicker: unless we cease our work, we can never feel the rest of God which leads to hearing the voice of God.  God mostly speaks to us in gentle, quiet whispers of our soul.  Is it any wonder we can't hear Him above the loud voices around us and inside us shouting reminders of the list that never seems to end.  Sometimes God chooses to shout if we've gone too long without listening.  The very thought of that makes me shudder... 

God has been guiding me through a season of pruning and cutting off branches of my life that do not bear fruit.  Ladies, it is not always fun.  Especially since I am a people-pleaser who feels the need to help anytime there is a need.  However, I have also discovered that I am tired.  I'm not talking the kind of tired that is cured by a nice nap.  I mean I am tired down into the depths of my soul.  The kind of tired that makes me think I will never be energetic again until Jesus comes back.  God has been nudging me to begin laying my burdens down.  I don't want to lay down burdens, but Jesus says there is a better way, so I choose to trust Him. 

The cool thing is that if I begin to lay down the burdens that I picked up in my own flawed reason, that eventually I'll have room for what God has asked me to pick up.  Even cooler: I'll have the time and energy to do it WELL.  Do you know what it feels like to complete a task well?  Do you also know what it feels like to be stretched so thin that you don't feel you've done anything well?  I would trade the latter for the former any day.

There is a concept we teach in discipleship groups at my church.  It is not scripture, but I believe it is consistent with scripture so I am going to share it with you.  The concept is that we will only be as fruitful as we are rested.  In other words, the more time we take to spend resting with God absorbing his wisdom and turning to Him for our needs, the greater work we will be able to do for Him.  Isn't that what we all want? To hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

So here is my challenge for you:

Place your to-do list before God and pray over it.  Ask Him if there's anything on the list that you need to cross off before it's done.  He will give us an answer.  Don't worry that God will ask you to drop everything and bail on every commitment you have as of noon tomorrow.  He may, but I seriously doubt it. Next, add in a time of planned rest.  It doesn't have to be an hour and a half of silence.  Maybe just begin with the first five minutes you are awake.  You may be surprised what a difference this small change makes in your day.  One more thing:  don't pick up any new commitments until you have asked God about it.  I have decided not to add another commitment to my schedule unless I hear God asking me to do it.  Not confident in hearing the voice of God?  Your ability to hear Him will improve with rest, I promise.

In His perfect provision, God will give (and take) exactly what we need when and how He sees fit.  We need only trust that He is good and that He loves us.   Matthew 7 tells us, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."

I'm confident that the God who loves you so much will show you a better, more achievable list.  Before you know it, you'll be crossing items off your revised To-Do list with more precision and zeal than you ever thought possible.  And who doesn't like to see a completed To-Do list?

The Most Glorious Voice of God

     The Lord spoke to me in the most beautiful voice this morning.  It was the voice of a father to his dearly loved daughter, in a gentle and sincere tone as if picking her up while weeping after a fall.  This voice did not come to my ears as my human body would expect.  Instead it seeped beneath my bones and into the depth of my heart.  My spirit heard the words and translated them in a way beyond my fragile understanding.

     After a period of walking through a shadowy valley (and Lord Jesus, I hope I am coming out of it),  I finally had a moment of quiet to myself.  As I considered where to start with my newly acquired time, I decided to come to the Lord to ask for His direction.  I know He cares deeply about every moment of my life.  He even knows the number of hairs on my head (Matthew 10:30).  So, guided by the remembrance of both His omniscience and His love for me, I lit the candle on my desk and pulled out the all-but-forgotten journaling Bible and my colored pencils.

   "I'm here, Lord, and I'm listening," I prayed, and flipped open the front cover.  I was about to journey down a road of doubt and guilt thinking that maybe what I should do is sit completely still in waiting for the Lord.  That thought was quickly tucked behind me as I reasoned, "No, I will just turn the pages and see where I land."

     With one flip, I opened my Bible to a section just slightly askew from the rest of the pristine pages of the newly bound book.  I had turned to one of my favorite verses.  It was the first verse I had ever memorized as a new Christian:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.  - Proverbs 3:5-6

     Being that it is such a popular verse, there was a blank coloring section in the margin awaiting the marks of the reader/artist.  "Rainbow would be nice," I thought as I contemplated the heart illustrated around the word 'heart' in the verse.

     Read the rest of the chapter.

     I felt the words tugging me to action.  "Yes, I should read the rest of the chapter to see what the context of this verse is."

My child, it began.  I heard the words more deeply and intimately than I had ever experienced before...  The simple words My child stuck out to me on the page.  They were not just an introduction, but a proclamation of who I am... A child of God.  The voice continued:

...never forget the things I have taught you.
store my commands in your heart.
If you do this, you will live many years,
and your life will be satisfying.

     The word satisfying rested a moment in my mind until my soul relaxed.  How I longed for a life that felt satisfying.

Never let loyalty and kindness leave you!
Tie them around your neck as a reminder.
Write them deep within your heart.
Then you will find favor with both God and people,
and you will earn a good reputation.

     Aha! God was accessing his knowledge of my desire to be a people-pleaser...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

     More than taking this moment to tell me how to spend my day, God was speaking into the purpose He had for my whole life.  Yes, he cares intimately about each moment, but he cares so much more about how and where all the moments strung together are leading!

Don't be impressed with your own wisdom.
Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
Then you will have healing for your body
and strength for your bones.

     Oh how I longed for my body to be healed... Healed of the anxiety of the unknown and lack of control I have over my own life.  I longed to be healed of the heavy weight of depression when the realization of my futile ways sets in and takes over all attention in my mind.

Honor the Lord with your wealth
and with the best part of everything you produce.
Then he will fill your barns with grain,
and your vats will overflow with good wine.

     Everything jumped off the page at me, and called to mind my God-given passion for writing, and the ministries God had entrusted to me.  I felt Him say that those things must come first before fulfilling my desire to have everything else appear perfect.  God knew the other things I needed and desired, and was more than capable of giving them to me without my straining after them.

     I was so thankful and receptive of the grace-filled reminders given so far, but was yet unprepared for the words God had for me next:

My child, don't reject the Lord's discipline,
and don't be upset when he corrects you.

     The tears began to well in my eyes.

For the Lord corrects those he loves,
just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.

     The tears were flowing freely now.  Just two days prior I had sat next to my husband in a moment of weakness confessing that I felt upset that God was allowing this shadowy time to continue despite my prayers to take it away.  I told him that I knew God had a reason, but it would be better if I could at least know what it was, and what I needed to learn.
   
     Who am I that the Creator of the universe would consider me?  That He in his divine provision would see fit to reach down into the depths of my being and whisper to me, This is all because I love you.  You are my child.  I have so much more for you than what you can even imagine.  The simple answer is that I am loved.
   
     It was more than my heart could take, and my parched soul was refreshed by the inevitable tears that occur after coming so close to our indescribable God.

     I will etch the memory of this beautiful appointment with God into the fragile, broken sinews of my heart.  Oh that every opening of my bible would meet with such nourishment to my soul.  And all of this simply because God met me in my feeble attempt to wait and seek Him.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. -Matthew 7:7

When Love Broke Through

I can still remember the smell of the interior of the 15-passenger van I climbed into that day.  It was sky blue and had the words, "Pine Lake Christian Church" printed neatly along either side.  My friends and I crammed our suntanned legs against cushioned seats and hard plastic consoles to fit everyone into the same row.  Our overflowing duffel bags had been stuffed into a Uhaul box trailer and hitched to the back of the crowded van, but at our feet was stashed anything a teenage kid could conceive of to need for the next 8 hours of our trip.  Their contents began to spill out before we even left the parking lot.  The spicy, cheesy scent of Doritos wafted above the noise as a new bag puffed open and was passed from one row of ravenous kids to another.  Earphones muffled the music blaring from a few cd Walkmans.  

"Does anyone else need to use the restroom before we go?" Karl cautioned, turning around in the drivers' seat.  He took our ignoring his question to mean, "No," and pulled out of the parking lot.  In the passenger seat, Jill cranked up the already straining AC.  The outside temperature was somewhere between 90 degrees and surface-of-the-sun; typical of northeast Ohio in July.  Being the older kids, we quickly flashed our seniority to claim the newer, air-conditioned van to start out, ignoring the fact that our turn in the ancient, less climate-controlled 15 passenger van would be the return trip.  Like many other teenagers, all we cared about was the here and now.

Watching rows of sweet corn begin to swirl by outside the windows as we picked up speed, I took a moment to contemplate the journey ahead.  We were headed to a Christ In Youth conference in Elizabethtown, PA.  I gazed around the van at the other passengers.  Squished next to me were a few of my best friends.  They were people who knew (seemingly) all my secrets and put up with me anyway.  The others I knew from youth group meetings.  We would pass in the hall on the way to and from the restroom or kitchen of the church, but I wouldn't say we were that close.  Karl and Jill sat in the front of the van casually going over details of the trip, while smiling and laughing at the goings on behind them from time to time.  I really respected them.  They were sort of like teachers or older siblings but also kinda friends at the same time.  Mostly I knew they loved God and wanted to teach me about Him.

All of this got me thinking about me.  I didn't grow up in church.  Yeah, my parents took me a few times when I was a toddler, and I had been to VBS here and there, but I was never really a part of a church.  I had learned enough about this church stuff, though, that I figured at some point I was going to feel the need to have a sort of confession.  Something about all that God business makes you feel like you have to come clean. You know: you feel guilty enough about all the bad stuff that you did that you would end up spilling your guts.  Well, I didn't like the sound of that.  MAYBE it would be okay with my best friends, but not really in front of the younger kids I didn't know, and DEFINITELY not in front of Karl and Jill.  What would they think of me?  I was pretty proud of the squeaky-clean image I seemed to emit.  I wasn't one of the popular kids, and I had tried and failed as an athlete, so if I wasn't the "good girl" who always got straight A's and never got in trouble, then who was I?  I quickly bowed my head and prayed a band-aid prayer, "Dear God, please forgive me for all the bad stuff I did. Amen."  There.  Fixed.  Now I could get onto the business of a week of fun with my friends.  What could go wrong?

The next few days were filled with typical youth group stuff.  There was "Hawaiian shirt day" when we all pretended to be from some place far more tropical than the Midwest, and "sundress day" when we dressed as cute as we could while still being in line with the dress code. (Does your skirt go past your fingers when your hands are at your side?)  We swapped jokes, and makeup, and secrets, and even flirty glances at the boys from other churches.  But in between all that, something supernatural was happening.  We were worshiping God.  I mean real, actual worship.  The band was amazing, and the lights and speakers made us feel like we were at a rock concert.  But for Jesus.  It was the coolest thing I had ever been a part of.  Daily we would break up into our small groups, crack open our Bibles, and talk about the lesson of the day.  It was nowhere near as boring as I had anticipated.  I started to think that God really is all about love, and even cooler, that He loves me no matter what... Even with that long list of stuff I didn't really want to reveal to the rest of the group.  

Then one day during a particularly awesome worship time, something happened.  Tears started streaming down my face.  I felt as if the words I was singing were being sung directly to Jesus.  I closed my eyes and I could see Him standing in front of me grinning.  "Create in me a clean heart, O God," I sang.  And I meant it.  

After worship we filed into a classroom and sat in a circle for our small group time, like we usually did.  But this time was different.  As we began to share with the group, my heart felt oddly open.  I raised my hand to share, and before I knew what was happening, I was confessing the deepest darkest places in my soul. I told about how I had done things I knew were wrong.  About how I dated all the wrong kinds of boys and what happened when I did.  I began to cry again as I admitted my sins.  I wasn't just confessing to my friends around me, I was placing all of my sin at the foot of the cross.  And when I had emptied myself of that heavy load I'd been carrying, I realized how much better I felt.  Surprisingly, as I looked around the circle I saw faces full not of judgement, but love.  Then I looked at Karl, and he was beaming.

As we piled out of the classroom to head back to the dorms before dinner, Karl pulled me aside.  He took me by the shoulders and looked me in the eye.  "You are amazing.  I'm so proud of you.  God is going to do great things in your life."

The rest of the week was full of a bunch more of the same fun youth group stuff: more pranks, more makeup, more friendship, more belly laughs, less sleep... More life lessons, more worship, more bible study, more Jesus.  At the end of our trip, the "elder" kids piled into the old church van, finally feeling the weight of our travel decisions.  We drove home through slowed traffic and, if it was even possible, hotter temperatures.  We collapsed over bench seats and the dirty carpet of the van out of sheer exhaustion and near heat stroke.  But as the worship music poured out of the antiquated radio, a tiny breeze brushed against my cheek as I fell asleep.  It was the most peaceful I had felt in a long, long time.