The Lord spoke to me in the most beautiful voice this morning. It was the voice of a father to his dearly loved daughter, in a gentle and sincere tone as if picking her up while weeping after a fall. This voice did not come to my ears as my human body would expect. Instead it seeped beneath my bones and into the depth of my heart. My spirit heard the words and translated them in a way beyond my fragile understanding.
After a period of walking through a shadowy valley (and Lord Jesus, I hope I am coming out of it), I finally had a moment of quiet to myself. As I considered where to start with my newly acquired time, I decided to come to the Lord to ask for His direction. I know He cares deeply about every moment of my life. He even knows the number of hairs on my head (Matthew 10:30). So, guided by the remembrance of both His omniscience and His love for me, I lit the candle on my desk and pulled out the all-but-forgotten journaling Bible and my colored pencils.
"I'm here, Lord, and I'm listening," I prayed, and flipped open the front cover. I was about to journey down a road of doubt and guilt thinking that maybe what I should do is sit completely still in waiting for the Lord. That thought was quickly tucked behind me as I reasoned, "No, I will just turn the pages and see where I land."
With one flip, I opened my Bible to a section just slightly askew from the rest of the pristine pages of the newly bound book. I had turned to one of my favorite verses. It was the first verse I had ever memorized as a new Christian:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6
Being that it is such a popular verse, there was a blank coloring section in the margin awaiting the marks of the reader/artist. "Rainbow would be nice," I thought as I contemplated the heart illustrated around the word 'heart' in the verse.
Read the rest of the chapter.
I felt the words tugging me to action. "Yes, I should read the rest of the chapter to see what the context of this verse is."
My child, it began. I heard the words more deeply and intimately than I had ever experienced before... The simple words My child stuck out to me on the page. They were not just an introduction, but a proclamation of who I am... A child of God. The voice continued:
...never forget the things I have taught you.
store my commands in your heart.
If you do this, you will live many years,
and your life will be satisfying.
The word satisfying rested a moment in my mind until my soul relaxed. How I longed for a life that felt satisfying.
Never let loyalty and kindness leave you!
Tie them around your neck as a reminder.
Write them deep within your heart.
Then you will find favor with both God and people,
and you will earn a good reputation.
Aha! God was accessing his knowledge of my desire to be a people-pleaser...
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
More than taking this moment to tell me how to spend my day, God was speaking into the purpose He had for my whole life. Yes, he cares intimately about each moment, but he cares so much more about how and where all the moments strung together are leading!
Don't be impressed with your own wisdom.
Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
Then you will have healing for your body
and strength for your bones.
Oh how I longed for my body to be healed... Healed of the anxiety of the unknown and lack of control I have over my own life. I longed to be healed of the heavy weight of depression when the realization of my futile ways sets in and takes over all attention in my mind.
Honor the Lord with your wealth
and with the best part of everything you produce.
Then he will fill your barns with grain,
and your vats will overflow with good wine.
Everything jumped off the page at me, and called to mind my God-given passion for writing, and the ministries God had entrusted to me. I felt Him say that those things must come first before fulfilling my desire to have everything else appear perfect. God knew the other things I needed and desired, and was more than capable of giving them to me without my straining after them.
I was so thankful and receptive of the grace-filled reminders given so far, but was yet unprepared for the words God had for me next:
My child, don't reject the Lord's discipline,
and don't be upset when he corrects you.
The tears began to well in my eyes.
For the Lord corrects those he loves,
just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.
The tears were flowing freely now. Just two days prior I had sat next to my husband in a moment of weakness confessing that I felt upset that God was allowing this shadowy time to continue despite my prayers to take it away. I told him that I knew God had a reason, but it would be better if I could at least know what it was, and what I needed to learn.
Who am I that the Creator of the universe would consider me? That He in his divine provision would see fit to reach down into the depths of my being and whisper to me, This is all because I love you. You are my child. I have so much more for you than what you can even imagine. The simple answer is that I am loved.
It was more than my heart could take, and my parched soul was refreshed by the inevitable tears that occur after coming so close to our indescribable God.
I will etch the memory of this beautiful appointment with God into the fragile, broken sinews of my heart. Oh that every opening of my bible would meet with such nourishment to my soul. And all of this simply because God met me in my feeble attempt to wait and seek Him.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. -Matthew 7:7
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