"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." - Woody Allen
I was 17 years old when I felt God's call at a Christ In Youth conference in Spartanburg, NC. It had been a spiritually-charged week of worship, messages and fun culminating in a challenge to be something greater than ourselves. I remember vividly that the main speaker gave an inspiring message, though the only words I actually recall were: "If any of you have felt the call to vocational ministry during this week, would you stand so we can pray for you?" With my closest friends and spiritual family surrounding me, my body lifted out of my seat without any effort at all, and that was it. I was staking my claim on the path to ministry. From that moment on I never looked back: Jesus had my whole heart and all my efforts.
That day was nearly 20 years ago, and I can say with full confidence that I am more committed to that calling today than ever. When I saw the opportunity to join the staff at Greenford Christian Church, I could hardly contain my excitement. I had been praying about another opportunity to serve on staff at a church again now that my children were all in school during the day. Once I became a mother, I would often say that the only job I would consider taking again would be in ministry. God basically wrapped this opportunity up in a bright pink bow (yes, it has to be pink!) and dropped it in my lap. It would be a part time position that would allow me to get my kids on and off the bus 3-4 days a week, while also serving Sunday mornings and at other special events. I have loved Jesus for 20 years now, and He's still surprising me with the perfection of His blessings and their timing. When Beth said she wanted to hire me for a spot on the Family Ministry Team, I couldn't help but wrap her up in a big hug and thank her.
You know that phrase, "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is?" You guys, that is absolutely NOT APPLICABLE in this case! I have loved every single day I was on staff at Greenford. Yes, there have been challenges. Yes, there have been days I was frustrated. Yes, there were days that I cried my eyes out (just ask my team members. Poor souls.) but I would not trade a single day for all the treasure in the world. I consider every person on staff a friend. I have laughed harder, prayed harder, and loved harder than I thought was possible during my time on the Family Ministry Team. I have seen many miraculous things that can only be explained by God's intervention in that place.
If I had my way, I would keep working at Greenford for another 10-20 years before I even considered whether I should make a change. If I had my way, I would have boundless energy and time to commit to Family Ministry because I believe in their vision so much. But the truth is, "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21
It's funny how God works. When I say "funny," I mean both "HaHa" funny and also "that is just cray-cray" funny. He placed a crazy passion in my heart to love others in the name of Jesus. If I were God, I would give that gift to me, and then just take away any speed bump that might be hindering me from sprinting from one ministry opportunity to the next. But, lucky for you, I am not God. I would most epically fail. I do wonder, though, why God would place that passion in my heart and also allow things to be present in my life that keep me from doing all the ministry I can. Doesn't it make sense to give someone an equal measure of both the desire to do all the good work in front of them, and also the ability to do it? Yeah, I guess that means you're not God either. " 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.' " - Isaiah 55:8-9.
I'm reminded often of Paul's words about the thorn in his flesh in 2 Corinthians 12. He says, " 'Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'"
Not that I think I am comparable to the Apostle Paul in the least... except for maybe in the same way that a piece of coal will one day be a diamond. That is about how close I am to being like Paul. I can definitely relate to his words of wisdom, though. A bit of trivia about me: I am prone to anxiety and depression. It does not define me or own me, but it is most definitely a part of my reality. Jake and I have prayed over and over that God would take it away from me. I could do so much more for the Kingdom if I just had the energy. Have you ever experienced anxiety or depression? To me, anxiety feels like I'm walking barefoot on thin ice with cracks on the surface all around me. Depression feels like I'm carrying one of those hiking backpacks full of bowling balls through a swamp of the kind of mud that sucks your shoes right off your feet. Now imagine juggling a family and a career (even if it is part time) in either of those two scenarios. Imagine it with both scenarios simultaneously.
I knew it would be a challenge to do my job with the possibility of the chilling ice and sucking mud threatening to pull me down, but I also knew the kind of God I was serving. He is the God who created ice and mud, and commanded them to obey. I took a step in faith trusting that God would give me the strength to do His will. Guess what? He carried me every single day. There were some days he drug me like a toddler through the cereal aisle at Walmart, but here we are: we made it.
I don't know when exactly it started to happen, but at some point I began to feel a discontentment in my spirit. The days of ice and mud began to outnumber the days I felt like I could walk on water. I found myself coming home from work with nothing left for my family. I would lie on my bed just trying to summon the motivation to make dinner. The guilt over that was unbearable. Though my children had outgrown diapers and formula, somehow they needed me even more now. They needed a mommy who was active in their lives, not just present. If that wasn't bad enough, Jake was getting whatever was left over after I tucked the kids in. I'm not a marriage counselor, but that sounds to me like a recipe for disaster. Something needed to change. I began searching Scripture for evidence of what I needed. I prayed, "God, I know you promise me that if I come to you weary and burdened that you will give me rest. Lord, please give me rest." Once again He picked me up, and spoke sweet, healing words to my restless spirit. "Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." -Matthew 11:29
Have you ever seen an answer to prayer directly in front of your face, and failed to believe it could be that easy? That's how it happened. The more I searched God's Word, the more I consistently found reminders of His commands to wives and mothers: take care of your family. Did you know that the Hebrew word for "virtue" as used to describe both the Proverbs 31 woman and Ruth the ancestress of Jesus is often also used to describe soldiers of war? That means that a virtuous woman is one who FIGHTS for her family. That gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. There are many beautiful examples of women in leadership throughout the Bible. As a woman who graduated from Bible College with the skills to teach and preach, I wear leadership like a badge of honor. But I couldn't get past the command to love my family first and best. It's the only thing wives and mothers are specifically commanded to do in scripture.
One afternoon as I sat with my dear friend discussing marriage and families, she very wisely asked the question, "Why is it we think being a wife and mother is not enough?" It's a question worth answering. I think there are many reasons we think this. Parenting is not a sprint. It is a marathon full of challenging obstacles and far too few water breaks. Even when it is done well, there is no guarantee our kids will turn out the way we hoped because children are not a prize to be won. They are not the medal at the finish line. They are human beings with their own talents, weaknesses, interests, and (sometimes unfortunately) their own wills. They are treasures loved by God who need nurturing and care from the moment they are born to the moment they leave the earth. We never stop needing our mothers.
It is easy to forget this important task because the days are so long. Motherhood becomes a new way of life once a woman has a child. It is a perspective that can never be switched to the "off" position. Even if Jake and I are blessed to get a weekend away, it never leaves my mind for a moment that there are three little people at home loving us and waiting for our return. So motherhood becomes a lens through which we see the world. Just like a pair of glasses, we often don't remember how important the calling of motherhood is until it becomes broken.
Another piece of wisdom of gleaned from my time on earth is that there is no recipe for a perfect mom. I have watched many excellent mothers hold down a full-time job (or two), be involved in a myriad of other activities, and still absolutely kill it at being a mom and wife. We are not all created equally. God has not given me the ability to give the proper attention to both my family and a job in this season. To serve the Family Ministry Team with excellence while neglecting my own would be the greatest hypocrisy of my life. I had to sit down and think long and hard about what that meant for my future. Maybe the answer to my prayer for rest was to lay everything down at the feet of Jesus, and to pick up the burden Jesus had for me to bear all along: giving all of my energy to loving my family first and best. Simple, and yet so challenging.
Once I knew what I had to do, it was agonizing to keep it a secret. How people live double lives I will never know. I knew I needed to resign before Christmas, but I love my team so much that my resignation was certainly not going to be what I wrapped up under the tree for them. In God's amazing provision, though, He gave me the most peaceful Christmas vacation I've had in several years. It was only when we returned to the office in the new year that the urge to follow through with the plans God placed before me became heavy again. Through sobs, I delivered the news to sweet Beth, and do you want to know her response? It was, "I love you, and I want what is best for you and your family." How am I supposed to leave when she goes and says something like that?! Even still, I know God's plan for me, and I am staking my claim on it once again. The truth is, I'm still called to vocational ministry. It's just that now my vocation is "stay-at-home-mom."
PS...
To all the friends I've made at Greenford Christian Church: Don't worry! My family is not going anywhere. You will still see me Sunday after Sunday and at lots of special events. I'm just changing my status from paid staff to volunteer.
To the leadership and staff at Greenford Christian Church, thank you for welcoming me into the family, and for helping make the past year and a half one of the best of my life. I will continue to keep you in my prayers as we wait for God to provide in the astounding ways only He can.
To the mom who is reading this and struggling with her own station in life: you are known and loved by our Creator. He has a plan for your life too, and IT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE MINE. Stop letting the enemy get a foothold in God's plan for you because of comparison and guilt. If you really want to know God's plan for your life, start praying. Don't just think about praying, and talk about praying, but actually do it. Talk to women in your life who are already doing what you hope to be doing in 10 years. If you don't know anyone like that, then talk to me and I'll pray with you until you do.
To everyone who took the time to read this all the way to the end: thank you for letting me share my heart with you. I pray that you will seek God with all your heart until you find what infinite joy it is to know Him.
"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." - Proverbs 31:30
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